Mind vomit.

Writing can be such a pain.  I can't sit down and try to print my thoughts, I always wind up thinking too quickly; the thoughts that matter most get left behind somewhere in my sub-conscience... not a pleasant place.  Ending up there is like finding my way through a dark...very dark alleyway in Buffalo.  Gosh, I really do not like Buffalo.

What brought me here?  Well, church.  I believe that's the simplest answer.  I find myself repeating the same lines to different people, "If I didn't know Jesus, I'd walk away from this faith in a heartbeat," "I have been left with the cognitive side of things, I just don't feel it anymore."  How a faith based on love has been reduced to an intellectual assent of Christ's life, death, resurrection, and His salvation offered to me, I just don't know... other than church.  And don't even try to say, "the Church is the body of Christ... essentially it is Him."  I'm well aware that the church is the embodiment of the living God here on earth.  How poorly represented He has been to me.

I hate to even type this.  I feel like one of those people who just wants to whine and complain about the problems in their life that they aren't doing anything about.  I don't read Scripture, I don't pray much, I don't want to go to church.  I don't even want to begin to be a part of the solution because I have tried that.  I teamed up with people that I believed were on the same page as me, and it just seems that I'm not meant to be a church-goer.

I feel like I'm cancer in the body of Christ.

Nobody knows what to do with cancer.  They try all of these remedies, some of which make things drastically worse.  But each one has the label: cure.  Prayer, it's the cure.  Meditation, it's the cure.  Fellowship, it's the cure.  Jesus, He's the cure.  Some people offer legalism; others grace.  "If you do x-y-z, you'll feel the Lord."  "You have to rely on His provision."

In the meantime, I offer myself to churches, finding that my efforts are worthless.  I'm not found to be a faithful servant, but apparently a nagging, "bull-dozing" catalyst in the group.  I admit, I have personality traits that need some TLC from Jesus, but I have been afforded the best intentions that my sinful heart can handle, and that doesn't seem to be recognized or utilized in the church.

How am I supposed to be a follower when my leader does not lead me somewhere? How can I be a part of the body when the hand has no concern for the well-being of the foot?  Why would I want to risk attaching myself to a new body, just to be hurt like I was last time?

And God, where are You in the midst of this?  Am I wandering away from the fold just to have my legs broken again?  Is Your silence actually the patience with-holding Your anger from me?  I know You created all this, and who am I to question You, but why can't I learn to be content?  Why did you give me a mind that questions so deeply and is so frustrated with simple, vague answers?  I am sorry for looking at Your people and criticizing/accusing them in my mind for having such elementary knowledge and perspectives of You.  You taught me to have faith like a child, but how do I learn to submit myself to a child's view of You?  How do I look up and call You daddy when life demands me to be a man and handle my life like one? What does it look like to be a man of God where I am?

Living versus Coping

I haven't written on here for so long it is hard to believe. So much has happened, so many heartbreaks and failures, so many victories and celebrations.

Last year after I departed for Los Angeles to help start a church, I experienced the worst bout of depression I have ever faced. It has been over a year, and I have to say, I am still recovering from it. Fortunately, I haven't experienced anything quiet like it since... but that's because I think it brought me so low that I haven't really come out of it.

Have you ever questioned reality to such a degree that you literally lost touch with it? I moved out to Los Angeles not knowing where I would sleep after the first three weeks. I was with people I barely knew and all of them seemed to play some sort of extreme role there. Like there was the timid guy, the feminine guy, the domineering guy, the lazy guy. It seemed as though I was projecting all of who I am into reality and lived in this impossible scenario 30 blocks from the Pacific Ocean shore in a beautiful house. I would go through my pictures and videos trying to vindicate my hunch that it was all a facade.

It was a whirlpool of the most intense doubts I had ever experienced. And no, I didn't want to live. I feel like death would be a less questionable reality.

After having so much doubt and feeling as low as possible, I really haven't ever recovered. I am afraid to feel, afraid to think too deeply. At the same time, I have never had so much faith. I trust God more than ever, and I don't think anything or anybody could strip me of it. It is as though I have already been stripped of every bit of dignity and self-respect, how could I need God anymore than I already do?

Meanwhile, my now fiance, Megan, comes into my life and makes me feel, makes me think, makes me care about somebody outside of myself. I have a high capacity to love, but only at a distance. I love most people, but never enough that their response or reciprocation of that love could actually affect me. It is hard enough existing in a world that I constantly let myself down and hate myself, I never wanted somebody to have the ability to let me down or be let down by me or hate me for something I did. I hate that level of vulnerability. I have since my heart first truly broke. Not only that, but I hate trusting people. I hate people having power over me and when I submit to trusting them, that they will be faithful to me, I submit to their ability to betray me. That's not me. Especially for the past long, enduring 6 years.

But the thing is, being emotionally detached from all of humanity, caring for people but never feeling. It is not living; it is coping. I have not lived for years. And now I do live, I do feel, but I am scared out of my mind.

I hit another low this past week. It was mainly because somebody tried to impose their authority on me without giving me much respect, but that was only the set off. Depression is always much more than the single event that began it. It is a winding, endless road of inconclusive thoughts and ideas that make reality a blur. I usually begin to question myself, my sanity, my stability. But that hasn't happened. I have just been full of sorrow. That's how it has been this entire past year. I haven't been depressed, I just become full of sorrow, and it is incurable until it simply passes.

Megan understands it. Thank God, somebody finally understands me. She doesn't insist that it must be her fault, she doesn't pry, she doesn't think I'm nuts. No, she just loves me.

Regardless, my sorrow seems to be exhaustion more than anything else. I care so much about her, but I'm powerless in many instances of her pain and sorrow. It brings me into the world that I know all too well - being out of control in pain, and it is exhausting. But it is worth it beyond words. She is the most wonderful person I have ever met, and I wouldn't trade her for anything (other than Jesus). But I keep getting into this dilemma of needing distance from her because I need to spend time praying for her and just REALLY wanting to be with her. And I can't outright tell her how I feel because I don't want her to take it upon herself to put that distance there. I love her too much, and I don't want her to feel as though she is burdensome to me. She's not a burden to me, I just share in hers.

Meanwhile, unfortunately, nobody has been able to care for me. No offense to her, it can't be her role to play. She can play a part but not the lead in building me up in the body of Christ. It needs to be a man, a Spiritual Father. I have my girl, someone who is perfectly fitting for me, and I can lead her. But I need to have more time seeking Jesus, because He has always been my Spiritual Father, and I don't honestly want anybody else. That's why He is the Great High Priest, and not just another one. He'll always be there for me. I just need to seek Him more.

Ah, I need to write more often. God help me.

A Prelude to Clarity 1

My final semester at PBU was beyond anything I could have ever imagined. It was just over a year ago now that I was deeply considering dropping out. I spoke with my advisor, Don Cheyney, about my plight. It disgusted me how I was throwing away my money, paying so much for professors who knew no more than what was in the text books they had me reading. Some of the classes were merely personal studies for which I was paying thousands of dollars. It frustrated me that it was a norm that those who go into a biblical college or seminary with fire and zeal would come out as ash and lightly-glowing embers. (I was convinced to stay for the sake of getting the degree, that is it). I was appalled by the lack of discipleship in the church - so much so that I did not even want to be a part of it. As far as I can remember being a Christian, I have never once understood why the church didn't have any interest in my spiritual growth. I never once understood why so many of the Christians that were "older" in the faith did not think through the things that I questioned. If just one person would have come along and told me what I learned after 10 years of seeking, I can't imagine the change it would have made in my life.

This is what I learned: You are surrounded by people who are fake, complacent, and apathetic.

Oh yeah, people did tell me that. Jesus did, Paul did, John did... Did Peter? Yeah, probably Peter too... and all of the Prophets of the OT. I just never knew how to identify it or deal with it, but now I do. For years, I was one of them. A Christian who knew about God but never knew God. A Christian who loved God but never stopped loving the world. A Christian who looked at God but never saw Him. A Christian who heard God but never listened. Pastors and preachers and elders and so many others have attempted to live Christ in America only to have the seeds in their hearts choked out by the worries and loves of the world. But this is the lesson between the lines of that parable in Matthew 13 - the one who receives the seed among the thorns will often think himself to have the Word even after it was smothered and choked.

"As for what was sown among thorns, this is the one who hears the word, but the cares of the world and the deceitfulness of riches choke the word, and it proves unfruitful."

The fruit that these people do produce looks just like them - they "love" Jesus but love the world too. That is as contradictory as saying someone is half alive. The Word proves unfruitful, but we as people will always bear some sort of fruit, "For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life" (Gal. 6:8).

At the beginning of the past semester, I spent a lot of time seeking out God, trying to figure out what I was going to do in ministry. I came to write it out in one simple purpose statement, one that was a work in progress in my own life as well: "to inspire PBU students to break through complacency and discover the depths of God's love individually, communally, and missionally." God did some amazing things to fulfill that purpose statement.

There are so many stories that I will be sharing with you from both past and present - stories of redemption, miracles, blessings, sacrifice, love, mercy, community, beauty, downfalls, grief, and dismay. I hope you come back to read them =]

Lesson from a tree

It has been so long since I have posted anything on here. I have continued to discover life, both in Christ and well... in Christ in the world. My year long hiatus from my frequent posts has gone by rather quickly. To say the least, it has been a year of brokenness, forgiveness, commitments, and all-encompassing change.

I discovered life the other day while I was sitting outside on my deck observing a tree. I'm not a hippy, alright? I wasn't hugging it, just observing it. I heard from a couple different sources that the key to knowing something is not to immediately disect it and analyze/criticize every bit of it, but merely to observe it. I also heard that it is good to take time in silence and just listen. I determined that I would observe a tree for about a half hour or so in silence to learn from it.

God taught me something a bit profound in it. I looked at the tree as wind delicately brushed over my skin. The leaves gently swayed back and forth, the branches slightly tottering. I looked at its trunk and saw it remaining still, not moving the slightest, while the furthest extremities of the tree were still swaying.

I thought about patience.
I thought about peace.
I thought about God in the cool of the day.
And it put my mind at ease.
Anxieties will come,
Anxieties will go,
But soon will fade the pains of life
And the problems that you know.
Deliverance will come,
Salvation is here,
With power, love, and sound mind
There is no room for fear.
So as the tree sways,
As the leaves move,
Feel the presence of God's Spirit,
As He helps to soothe.

New Email Address

Check it out, my new email address is kf972@eagle.pbu.edu. I will not receive your emails otherwise.

I was bonked by an elderly jewish woman

Independence day in Jerusalem is not quite as extravagant as Purim, but it certainly packs an amazing cultural experience with which to go home. I have been considering making a list of "first's" in this journey to show how amazing it has been. I am now able to add to that list (if I ever make it) "Being in the capital of a country on their 60th anniversary of independence." I'd say that that is an accomplishment.

Walking down the streets on the way to Ben Yuhuda Street is like the calm before the storm. The shops are closed, the people are scarce, and even the cars seem to be at an unusual low. It has been somewhat chilly lately, just enough for a hoodie and perhaps a hat, and it is completely comfortable out. The wind blows gently onto what little skin you have exposed, making it all the better. Whenever I feel a cool breeze here I remember Eden, when God dwelled with Adam and Eve in the cool of the day, such a beautiful feeling. There are sky lights shining through the dark sky even piercing the thinner clouds next to a crescent moon. Actually, the dark side of the moon is as vibrant as it can be against the blackened sky.

Anticipation builds as the lights get closer and the music gets louder and the crowds start growing. There is a gate at every entrance towards the Zion Square. Passports are being checked on everybody to ensure full security at such a momentous occasion. Approaching the Square is like entering a carnival in the city. Shouting, dancing, blowing shofars, blowing horns and noisemakers, banging on drums, all of it is in front of a giant stage where a band is setting up. People bonk one another on the heads with blow up hammers with the Jewish flag on it. Men and women, boys and girls, all different types of people are wearing the Jewish flag like a cape. There are so many young teens that it is reminiscent of a high school dance, only a little more intense (and with a whole lot more booze).

The night continues with fireworks, light shows, music, and dance as the citizens of Israel join in celebration of their independence. In fact, it probably won't end until 1 or 2 in the morning, if not later.

This may be my last post in Israel, so what better way to conclude it than with the celebration of Israel's independence, and perhaps a list of firsts...

In this journey, it was my first time:

Being in a plane

Being out of the US

Being in Israel

Drinking alcohol legally (just wine and it was gross, but a first regardless)

Living in a city

Bargaining

Seeing a Shuk

Seeing sharks hanging out for sale

Seeing lambs hanging out for sale

Seeing snow in Jerusalem

Seeing a desert

Walking 6 miles through a desert

Sleeping on the desert sand in Jordan under the stars

Breaking laws to enter an ancient tomb

Seeing a camel

Walking through a tunnel

Walking through a cave

Being within a couple of miles of a terrorist attack

Going to Stars and Bucks

Seeing the Mediterranean Sea

Going to a spa

Taking a sulfur bath (with clothes on = worst idea ever)

Seeing the Dead Sea

Swimming in the Dead Sea

Going to Sinai

Going 150 kmph in a 11 passenger van

Sleeping at a Bedouin camp

Hiking at 2 in the morning to see a sunrise

Drinking fresh hot tea with mint leaves in it and sugar

Drinking Turkish coffee

Seeing the Red Sea

Diving into water

Diving in the Red Sea

Snorkeling over a reef through jellyfish

Eating a falaffel

Eating a shwarma

Hanging out with Mormons

Sharing the Gospel with a Muslim

Going to the Sea of Galilee

Swimming in the Sea of Galilee

Wearing a Keifeyya

Seeing natural springs

Peeing off of or onto just about everything I could (ask for the list haha)

Standing on top of a mountain and seeing a full paneramic of about a 30 mile radius

Being in a large boat in a lake

Backpacking and living outside

Hitch hiking

Climbing and standing on pillars, which includes conquering a fear of heights

Sleeping outside in the rain

Sleeping outside in the dew (darnit!)

Staying in a 5 star hotel

Seeing a bede

Seeing a scorpian owning a snake

Seeing multiple displays of fireworks from my home for free

Watching a sheep get slaughtered

8 Days Left

It is crazy to think that I've been in Jerusalem for over 100 days and the semester is coming to a close. I've written about 40 pages of papers within the last few weeks, and I have just one final left in History of Church in the East. I also have one last field study up in the Galilee region. By next Tuesday, I'll have completed my studies here at JUC, though I'll still have to finish up my Greek independent study. Putting into words the incredible blessing this has been and the tremendous impact that this has had on my understanding of the Bible is something we'll have to speak about in person.

I'm coming home on the 10th, arriving in Newark around 17:55 at Terminal B. The following day, if you would like to drop by my house and say hello, you're welcome to. It's not going to be a full out party with all the food you can eat or anything, I'd just like to see you all ASAP.

See you soon =]