Mind vomit.

Writing can be such a pain.  I can't sit down and try to print my thoughts, I always wind up thinking too quickly; the thoughts that matter most get left behind somewhere in my sub-conscience... not a pleasant place.  Ending up there is like finding my way through a dark...very dark alleyway in Buffalo.  Gosh, I really do not like Buffalo.

What brought me here?  Well, church.  I believe that's the simplest answer.  I find myself repeating the same lines to different people, "If I didn't know Jesus, I'd walk away from this faith in a heartbeat," "I have been left with the cognitive side of things, I just don't feel it anymore."  How a faith based on love has been reduced to an intellectual assent of Christ's life, death, resurrection, and His salvation offered to me, I just don't know... other than church.  And don't even try to say, "the Church is the body of Christ... essentially it is Him."  I'm well aware that the church is the embodiment of the living God here on earth.  How poorly represented He has been to me.

I hate to even type this.  I feel like one of those people who just wants to whine and complain about the problems in their life that they aren't doing anything about.  I don't read Scripture, I don't pray much, I don't want to go to church.  I don't even want to begin to be a part of the solution because I have tried that.  I teamed up with people that I believed were on the same page as me, and it just seems that I'm not meant to be a church-goer.

I feel like I'm cancer in the body of Christ.

Nobody knows what to do with cancer.  They try all of these remedies, some of which make things drastically worse.  But each one has the label: cure.  Prayer, it's the cure.  Meditation, it's the cure.  Fellowship, it's the cure.  Jesus, He's the cure.  Some people offer legalism; others grace.  "If you do x-y-z, you'll feel the Lord."  "You have to rely on His provision."

In the meantime, I offer myself to churches, finding that my efforts are worthless.  I'm not found to be a faithful servant, but apparently a nagging, "bull-dozing" catalyst in the group.  I admit, I have personality traits that need some TLC from Jesus, but I have been afforded the best intentions that my sinful heart can handle, and that doesn't seem to be recognized or utilized in the church.

How am I supposed to be a follower when my leader does not lead me somewhere? How can I be a part of the body when the hand has no concern for the well-being of the foot?  Why would I want to risk attaching myself to a new body, just to be hurt like I was last time?

And God, where are You in the midst of this?  Am I wandering away from the fold just to have my legs broken again?  Is Your silence actually the patience with-holding Your anger from me?  I know You created all this, and who am I to question You, but why can't I learn to be content?  Why did you give me a mind that questions so deeply and is so frustrated with simple, vague answers?  I am sorry for looking at Your people and criticizing/accusing them in my mind for having such elementary knowledge and perspectives of You.  You taught me to have faith like a child, but how do I learn to submit myself to a child's view of You?  How do I look up and call You daddy when life demands me to be a man and handle my life like one? What does it look like to be a man of God where I am?