Last year after I departed for Los Angeles to help start a church, I experienced the worst bout of depression I have ever faced. It has been over a year, and I have to say, I am still recovering from it. Fortunately, I haven't experienced anything quiet like it since... but that's because I think it brought me so low that I haven't really come out of it.
Have you ever questioned reality to such a degree that you literally lost touch with it? I moved out to Los Angeles not knowing where I would sleep after the first three weeks. I was with people I barely knew and all of them seemed to play some sort of extreme role there. Like there was the timid guy, the feminine guy, the domineering guy, the lazy guy. It seemed as though I was projecting all of who I am into reality and lived in this impossible scenario 30 blocks from the Pacific Ocean shore in a beautiful house. I would go through my pictures and videos trying to vindicate my hunch that it was all a facade.
It was a whirlpool of the most intense doubts I had ever experienced. And no, I didn't want to live. I feel like death would be a less questionable reality.
After having so much doubt and feeling as low as possible, I really haven't ever recovered. I am afraid to feel, afraid to think too deeply. At the same time, I have never had so much faith. I trust God more than ever, and I don't think anything or anybody could strip me of it. It is as though I have already been stripped of every bit of dignity and self-respect, how could I need God anymore than I already do?
Meanwhile, my now fiance, Megan, comes into my life and makes me feel, makes me think, makes me care about somebody outside of myself. I have a high capacity to love, but only at a distance. I love most people, but never enough that their response or reciprocation of that love could actually affect me. It is hard enough existing in a world that I constantly let myself down and hate myself, I never wanted somebody to have the ability to let me down or be let down by me or hate me for something I did. I hate that level of vulnerability. I have since my heart first truly broke. Not only that, but I hate trusting people. I hate people having power over me and when I submit to trusting them, that they will be faithful to me, I submit to their ability to betray me. That's not me. Especially for the past long, enduring 6 years.
But the thing is, being emotionally detached from all of humanity, caring for people but never feeling. It is not living; it is coping. I have not lived for years. And now I do live, I do feel, but I am scared out of my mind.
I hit another low this past week. It was mainly because somebody tried to impose their authority on me without giving me much respect, but that was only the set off. Depression is always much more than the single event that began it. It is a winding, endless road of inconclusive thoughts and ideas that make reality a blur. I usually begin to question myself, my sanity, my stability. But that hasn't happened. I have just been full of sorrow. That's how it has been this entire past year. I haven't been depressed, I just become full of sorrow, and it is incurable until it simply passes.
Megan understands it. Thank God, somebody finally understands me. She doesn't insist that it must be her fault, she doesn't pry, she doesn't think I'm nuts. No, she just loves me.
Regardless, my sorrow seems to be exhaustion more than anything else. I care so much about her, but I'm powerless in many instances of her pain and sorrow. It brings me into the world that I know all too well - being out of control in pain, and it is exhausting. But it is worth it beyond words. She is the most wonderful person I have ever met, and I wouldn't trade her for anything (other than Jesus). But I keep getting into this dilemma of needing distance from her because I need to spend time praying for her and just REALLY wanting to be with her. And I can't outright tell her how I feel because I don't want her to take it upon herself to put that distance there. I love her too much, and I don't want her to feel as though she is burdensome to me. She's not a burden to me, I just share in hers.
Meanwhile, unfortunately, nobody has been able to care for me. No offense to her, it can't be her role to play. She can play a part but not the lead in building me up in the body of Christ. It needs to be a man, a Spiritual Father. I have my girl, someone who is perfectly fitting for me, and I can lead her. But I need to have more time seeking Jesus, because He has always been my Spiritual Father, and I don't honestly want anybody else. That's why He is the Great High Priest, and not just another one. He'll always be there for me. I just need to seek Him more.
Ah, I need to write more often. God help me.
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